Golf with your friends crashing
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These friends only appear when you’re doing very well, and rarely show up when you need them during hardships. One caveat though: watch out for toxic friends who are only there to piggyback on your success.
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I mentioned in #1 that you should stay away from people who don’t celebrate your accomplishments. They are there for your good times, and never for the bad. Stay away from any people with whom you don’t feel there is an equal, reciprocal exchange of conversation, validation, compassion, and respect. Real friends would listen to your story and make sure to give you feedback that is helpful to you before turning the conversation back to them. For example, if a friend hears your traumatic story and uses it to turn the conversation back to her life constantly, this is a red flag for narcissism, so be careful. You don’t exist, or if you do, you only exist in relation to them. These toxic friends drain you and your ability to engage in self-care because they are emotional vampires whose only focus is them, their lives, their wants and needs. If they continue to do this despite you establishing that boundary, it’s time to forfeit the friendship altogether. Stand up for yourself and tell them this is an issue. Don’t let these toxic friends convince you otherwise. You also deserve to be listened to and deserve to talk about any problems in your life. However, if this happens quite often and you rarely get a chance to have a reciprocal conversation with a person, you’re acting as their audience to a monologue and not as a friend. Certain situations warrant this type of behavior - such as a breakup, a loss in the family, or any other traumatic event. Sure, we all have to vent sometimes and talk about ourselves. As you finally get your chance to speak, your friend suddenly needs to get off the phone because she is now so tired from all the “talking.” You ask your friend how she’s doing, and find yourself being “talked at” rather than “talked to” for hours on end - and this consistently seems to happen all the time. Have you ever had this experience? You’re on the phone with a friend. They’re malignant bullies and narcissists. If you can’t be your greatest, authentic self around your friends without being constantly demeaned by them, then they’re not your true friends. Only inferior people do that in order to elevate themselves. Real friends don’t attempt to criticize or put down people just for the pleasure of making someone seem small. This is a sign that something is seriously wrong with them. They also seem sadistically happy when you’re failing or when you’re going through a difficult time.
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They say things like, “Oh, anyone could’ve done that,” when you mention something you accomplished or, “That’s not a real major,” when you mention your academic concentration. These are often disguised as “helpful” or “honest” comments that actually have no value at all except to make you feel less proud of yourself. If you’re happy and cheerful for whatever reason, toxic friends find ways to rain on your parade by introducing little storms and tempests of invalidation, belittlement, and degradation. Instead of feeling despair at their friends’ accomplishments, true friends will be secure in their own accomplishments, and thus feel celebratory, inspired, and motivated to better themselves when they hear about the accomplishments of others. This is toxic because real friends celebrate each other’s accomplishments, and even if there is any jealousy involved, they will put it aside in order to congratulate their friends. This is the type of friend who is never happy for anything you do, and is secretly hoping you’ll fail so that she doesn’t have to feel so badly about her own life. She may even attempt to “one-up” you by mentioning her accomplishments quickly before you’ve even finished your sentence. Or you receive a totally blank facial expression and no response at all, just a stare. She may look like she’s eaten an entire lemon as she struggles to say congratulations. When you mention your success, your friend’s face goes automatically sour. They are not happy for your accomplishments.
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